Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Silence is Golden. Patience is even more.

I have 2 boys, again one is 3 today and they other is 4.5 today. I love them, so much for my motherizing them, but I still do love them and love to watch them as a spectator and not as a mother.

I take them to birthday parties. My younger one is still young and I see him following his brother and cant be without him even for a brief moment. How wonderful is that love, they take support on each other because this lady who takes them to birthday parties is motherizing them.

The scene in all parties: Kids are running all over, playing games, wanting to win and be the best and get a gift for the game they won. I see they are all in the race for success. And all their mothers with them trying to stop them from acting like hooligans and trying to make them a little sane and to stop fighting and playing with chairs and to stop them from running away from the building.

And I the mother of two, has her sons sitting by her side quietly and trying to push them to play a game or two. Don't win, just play and I am happy when the older one played, but still some disappointment as he was not on his own just like his peers. He needed my push.

After a round of games, comes the eating challenge, again all kids eat and munch on all the burgers, fries, coke and cake. My boys dont take a bite of anything. I push, I label, at the end of the day I am stressed and I hated the birthday party. As i was motherizing them.

After the round of eating, all the boys are again running all over the place and having fun playing with chairs. and my boys are next to me, picking some confetti on the floor and being well behaved.

At a sight I can see some parents thinking of such proud sons they have , who played games, who were winning, who were answering all quiz questions and who did all things right a kid should do.

And here I was a little sad, with a splitting headache. Did I do something wrong. I have tears in my eyes as I drive them back home. They are sad that I am crying for they dont know the reason.

I slept empty stomach and put my kids down empty stomach for the night and we all slept. They slept, I did not, tossing and turning with a stomach ache and a headache, only to get up in the morning with a fresh thought.

I take a vow today: I am going to try my best not to motherize my kids.

Older one can count till 1000 and even more if left to him, knows what is google and gooogle plex. Knows gravity, the science behind it, has emotions, understands, picks up all the things we teach and preach and obeys. Runs, has fun, has lots of bubbling questions and loves speed and cars. Loves to fight and play with his brother. He is great at tennis and is a super fast cyclist. He loves music and art. He is again crazy about numbers and loves cooking with his mother. He loves art and loves poor children. A child who wants to feed poor children on his 5th birthday. And knows to read TIME an Read books.He is quiet and loves to be the quietest. He is 4.5 years old today.

The younger is a gem at heart. He cant be without his brother. knows the multiples of 10. Counts till 100 with ease, loves writing and coloring and is great with buiding objects and not to mention he loves breaking them to see how it is built. He is a great soccer player. Fantastic swimmer and is super cool are loving his brother and fighting with him. He is the coolest kid in the park with all girls around him. He craves for my attentions and he is growing. He has begun to undertsand my words. His teachers love him. He connects lines and loves to draw. He colors super withing the borders. He loves to play games. He is a fighter and knows what he wants. He is a perfectionist. He loves to read books. He is physically and mentally active. He likes to be the naughtiest. He is 3 years old today.

This is them from my eyes. Then why do I motherize them and push them. I take a vow today that I am going to try to do less of motherizing.

It is ok to be a silent observer, its ok to be queit, its ok to not play with friends, its ok to do what they want. Its ok for them to be whom they want to be and not what I want them to be. I want to from today work hard on letting them be what they want to be and do they want to do, as long as they dont hurt anyone or they dont hurt themselves. I want them to be themselves and grow to understand themselves, give them enough opportunities to explore themselves but without motherizing them.
I will give them opporunities, but will not expect them to perform. I will remove extectations and will allow them to grow from within giving them enough space.

I will not motherize and label, I want to be a better person and a better mother. I am struggling, I want to do it.


jandy said...

archana - this is a heart-felt and beautiful post. it is honest, in that - it is you speaking of your own doubts as a mother. and a beautiful tribute (a para each) to your 2 lovely sons.
if i may make an observation - there is nothing wrong with them - as i keep telling you. the problem doesn't even lie with your mother skills. it is in your COMPARING... never compare your kids with other kids who are active/ naughty/ whatever.... it is a road that leads to total unhappiness.
you are a super mom - you do everything yourself for those 2 - and congratulate yourself on that - don't expect so much of them, and please DON'T get disappointed after that. They are not whizz kids - nor are mine - they are little boys under 5 years of age - wach with their own lovable and lovely personalities.

Bindu said...

Very moving post, Archana. I too have felt the same with parties wrt food. I have mostly ended up eating his barely touched cake coz it was not chocoloate or having to explain to the host that he is a little choosy with food and then bearing all their unwanted advice etc. etc. which just kills the fun.

Agree with Jane...comparing isn't fair but you know what that's what we too have been through as kids. We have been compared in sports, studies, arts everything. So it comes naturally to us and clearly we want our children to be the best...

The trick is in expectations - I dont think I can ever be Perfect as a parent; I expect S to do well obviously as long as he enjoys it - and whatever extra mile he goes - feel extremely proud for that...We lose out on so much in trying to lead perfect lives whereas perfection is just boring. :)

Bindu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Archana Doshi said...

I agree bindu. We all grew up comparing, and I am doing the same. But the comparing I do mostly in my own mind and avoid it with siddhant and pranav. But Yes, I agree its with expectations and that them performing is not in our hands. Thanks Jane and Bindu. Feels sane to know that were in my shoes at some point in your life and has made my heart lighter for the evening.

Shilpi said...

Hi Archana, We have all made comparisons at some point or other. There is nothing wrong with that.After all it is part of human psyche..I remember being very disappointed when at age 2 , at her first stage show N was the only child crying while her peers were happily singing along..took a while to sink in that it is normal behaviour.after all they are children..:-) So I guess we ALL have to learn to take a chill pill and let them develop their own individual them but not live their lives for them..
To cut a long story short, don't lose heart, we are all in it together..and this is just the beginning !

Anonymous said...

Archiee...har insan ka apna nature aur personality hoti hey....aur yeh toh abhi bhaut chote bache hein...there will be lot of changes in them...more or less i feel you should compare your children with others and feel proud that they are really better than others...they are good at so many things, they are so sensitive towards humanity and i am sure they will grow up as good humans one day and achieve best in life....all the best.