Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Reflections and Perspectives

Yesterday I met up with close friends from hostel days and we had a good time chatting about our times, our lives etc.

Both are working and one is a working parent with support from her mother who lives with her and the other is with no children. But nevertheless, I was the only one who was not into work (supposedly quit because of kids).

They spoke about how they were managing work and home and getting enough time with their husbands and making sure its quality time spent, like even going for walks would be quality time. They would in between keep reinforcing facts that Arch " you are doing something which is the most toughest, not working and taking care of children". Now excuse me, it was a nice gesture to empathize and make a person feel good. I would just quietly listen and nod.
Now those were perspectives of someone else, of what I am doing and that I am a super mom, who takes care of home, cooks, kids etc and still does my "Archana's Kitchen". Again in their perspective I am super because I find time for all this despite being a mother.

But really, I was one among them about 10 years back, a very focused women who wanted to have one of those successfully careers and my dream was to work in wall street. What ever that
dream was, now I am ORR in a 1800 sq ft home, on home call.

As I drove to the dinner, there was something in me which felt odd, I had nothing to share with them apart from the school experiences. And I am not one of those women who does a lot of self prophecies as well, as personally I did not have anything to talk about. Growing up in a career, talking about work life, culture, all seemed to a distant past.

No regrets about any of it, but just the memories that so many aspirations and desires to become and achieve something in life we all shared in the college days we seeming gray. I was happy for them, they got educated well and now they are managing their career in the light they wanted to.

Now a mother of two boys, who think the be all and end all of me - that scares me. A husband who's first love is his smart device thinks and talk to it and manages everything in his life with it, so much so thats my interactive device with him. Me, who thinks now writing recipes and clicking photographs makes my life simple and feel that at least I am using some part of my brain, even if it has not elevated me to levels of the career I had dreamed of.

Having seen perspectives and having reflected of what I wanted, now really what I want is nothing. I cant believe I am so cozy in my shell, which is my home, my kids, my DH, and my computer. It scares me to think that motherhood and home-hood can take life to such glaring changes. Contentment and satisfaction just drives me to do what I am doing today, unbelievable!!! But at the same time scares me.

Today, I have my in laws living with me and my life has still not changed, I continue in my shell and write such crazy posts. There are friends from all over who would say, oh dear, who must be so busy etc, you need to keep full time help, you need to do this and that and you need a break , get out etc. But not once have they ever asked me are you busy and tired, how is it going? Assuming I am over loaded with my parents in law at home, get a stream of advices. And btw, my life is not changed one bit...I am still in my shell, doing what I have to do.

Amazing, what am I doing....where is my life going to go ....what is it that I am going to do... become.... none of these haunt me any more but scares me. I have in short become plain boring or can there be a better word?


Jandy said...

a very very honest post, arch. and if you're sure that you are at peace with your satisfaction got from leading life at home with your 2 lovely kids, i a happy for you. i am one of those constant 'souls in search' and i have been struggling with a self-identity issue since having my own 2 boys, and wanting to be at home for them.... i have, as you know, resolved it in different ways. but what's important is that you realise and be aware of where you are, and what you are. i can see that honestly coming through.
boring? no.
wise? yes.

deepa said...

Whatever truly makes you happy , one must do.
Sometimes, I think I am one of extinct creatures - hating it when the little work that I do tears me away from momhood, ktichen hood and homehood.
Here's to the last few rare ones !