Day 2, Day 3...and More Thoughts

I started with a whole lot of guilt, trying hard, not scolding my children. Elaine and Adel started me off a guilt trip. I had to close those parenting books, lie down and think.

Infact, after half an hour of rambling thought, i am feeling happy, rather relieved. I want to be a better parent. I am putting off my guilt of being nagging and Screaming parent, to be more reasonable and involving parent.

Day 2, went off fine with me trying to involve and reason. Day 3, was not too goood, but I tried to end it well. Went back into Elaine's books and tried to reinforce my behavior and attitude towards being a better parent.

So hear are my challenges

1. Labeling my children. I hate it when I do it. This is something I am going to work hard on. Its going to help by children gain better confidence and independence and positive attitude about themselves when I STOP labeling them. I don't want to name the labels, so I feel less guilty. I know they are harmful!

I am beginning to believe that my tone of contempt can hurt deeply. Words like careless, irresponsible, you'll never learn, lazy,do get uttered and I am so hurt to use them and hurt my children. I am definite I am going to find positive ways to deal when circumstances arise, which is like 5 times a day!

I have to engage my children to cooperate. I have to reason and be descriptive of my feelings, instead if saying NO's. I am sure for many of us, sarcasm, lectures, warnings, name calling, and threats were all woven into the language we heard as we were growing up. I don't really want to be doing the same things I probably grew up with. (I don't remember much of my childhood though, i guess some things do get passed on).

In the days to come (i want to set short term goals), I am hoping to feel good about hearing myself talk positively and with reason and involvement. I don't want to hear myself scream. Really, I want to feel good about myself, this is going to be my weeks mission! Hopefully I can make this a habit of passing it on to the coming weeks.

Its not going to be easy! I am going to try to avoid " Whats wrong with you kids, you don't gargle and wash properly, or turn of the light, or flush , or keep your shoes in the rack, or brush your teeth..."

My approach instead " Boys, the light is on in the bathroom!". "Boys, I am tripping off your shoes, its coming on my way"

I a beginning to realise my children need my attention, as in my time. Time Outs, punishments now i feel are just going to lead to hatred, revenge, guilt, unworthiness and self pity. Punishment and timeouts now only seem distractions to me. I am beginning to realize they don't work. Don't work at all. Its so short term that they tend to forget the reason for the Time Out and are happy playing in the corner. When asked why Time out " You shouted at me, that's why". Now that means it does not work! As all they remember is me shouting at them.

Now with Elaine and Adel's help. I want to list out the ways I can avoid punishment.

1. For sure, I want to make my disapproval of the behavior and NOT of their CHARACTER(like, "Jumping in the car is dangerous" would be better than saying " Don't behave like a roudy jumping in the car")
2. Tell the children, what behavior I expect (for example in the car - they cannot jump in the car,)
3. Reason with them (" You can meet with an accident and get hurt, It distracts me and I cannot drive in peace")
4. Allow at some point to experience the consequences of his behavior. I have done those many times.

Today there was an interesting incident.
A friend had a return gift due - which was a magnet made of clay. She handed them over to me.

P saw them, and wanted to hold them. I let him hold it warning him to be careful else they would break.

The warning was enough for him to have more fun and to try to may be break them, may be to see my reaction.

I took away Sids gift and kept it aside with me, saying he can hold his. I also warned him again to be careful else it would break.

So P finally did manage to crack it, as it fell off from the bag, which he kept swinging side to side

He was upset. He immediately wanted sids on exchange. I refused and said thats not right.

But, he cried, went home and cried more. Finally put both up on the fridge. He still insisted the cracked was not his. But I told him, his was cracked, but it still sticks to the fridge and still looks good.

Now that was a big step for me. Not to label him. I did not label him careless. I left the topic there for him to understand what had happened and that his still was cracked. Hopefully, over time he will begin to understand the consequences of his actions.

If I had labelled him, he would have cried more, I would have shouted more, more tug of war of the wants and more and more of ill feeling between him and me.

My day has ended well, hope to get up to a better day and to better parenting.

Day 1: Reasoning..

List of events through the day

1. Morning Potty Time:

I: P go and sit now
P: NO, its not coming
I: I have heard this many times ( I know he wants to go), do it now
P: NO.
I: If you don't, you will be out
P : Did it!
Did I Succeed in Reasoning: I lost. I should have reasoned. I should have said, your tummy will pain, You need to clean your stomach etc etc...

2. Breakfast Time:

P: I want cheese
I: Gave him
P: I will open it
I: ok
P: Mummy help me
I: did it
P: I want your bread, it looks more dark(crip toast)
I:ok, take it
P: I want butter now
I: Ufffff, P...., cant you just start eating
P: I want butter, (in the mean while cheese slice broke)
P: Whaaa,... Baaahhhh.. Cheese broke... Fix It, Fit It
I: Cannot fix it pranav.. and took it away. NOW EATTTTTT
P: I want Baked Beans ( I was eating it)
I: Gave him
P: I want spoon
I: PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.... GO TAKE IT URSELF
P: Crying and Took it
I: NOW EAT
P Finally did finish his food.
Did I Succeed in Reasoning: Almost, but lost it on voice. Can I give myself a few points atleast?

3. Wanted keys to open the main door after we came back from shopping vegetables.

P: I want to open door, give me key
I: No, I cant (as he has a history of breaking keys and everything)
P: NO NO I want
I: Sat down at his level - Children dont haldle keys, Keys are only for mom, dad, aunt, uncle
P: NO I want
I: If it breaks, we will have to sleep on road. You want to sleep on road?
P: No
I: You want to go sleep at home?
P: yes

He kept quiet.

Did I Succeed in Reasoning: I think I did. And avoided a few mishaps.

Similar things happened during the rest of the afternoon and evening and I finally did succeed in reasoning.

Now I succeeded, but did he? He listened with the least amount of ears. Running about and playing, but surely did not demand more after reasoning. Strangely his ears were listening to me even as he was playing.

So my change of behavior worked. Reasoning is helping my anger and his behavior. Now this has to continue onto DAY 2. Good Luck to me.

Whom to Change or What to change? Or do we need to have a change?

So many decisions in life had to be made after becoming a mother. Now did I keep hearing that children are good when they are young, like babyhood, as we do treat them as babies and they tend to be forgiven for any action done as they are babies. Phewww.....

True, may be, but every age has its own battles to be fought. Motherhood is not easy and more so being a SaHm. Each passing year, I have had battles with my children and myself, for the following reasons.

1. NOooooo dont touch that electric socket. Its dangerous... blah blah blah..
2. NOooooo dont turn on the oven switch....blah the reason....
3. NOooooo dont drive in front of the car...blah the reason for not doing so
and so on and so on.

The recent one when I had taken the Sid to the doc because he had fever.
P: throws the sandles of Sid to the doctors face!!
I reply Calmly - "please don't throw, its not a nice thing to do. blah blah"

P: " Starts playing in the docs chamber as if its a playground"
I say - " Sit on the chair, this is not a playground..."

If only he had the mind or the hear to listen. No obviously he did not. As he was not affected in the affair. It was someone else who got hit and his mom got upset. Not him. To him life is all about play.

Now I repeated all that he did to their dear grandparents, my inlaws.

Grandparents: " Oh he is a child, we cant do anything, it will take time"
My Mom " Be calm, dont shout at him or hit him, be patient, time will heal".

Yes inlaws, yes mom. They were right. He is a hyperactive child alright! He loves to play. Sid has been sick for over a week and been getting that extra attention. So did I just notice that P is trying to get more and more attention by doing unwarranted childish behavior. Yea surely, he is a child.

No amount of time outs, no amount of punishments, no amount of love, no amount of shouting, no amount of positive reinforcement have helped so far. Did I just list the list of right things that have to be done

With DH travelling, now I am on a mission. Let's get the Patience into the vocabulary. With Patience, its going to be Reasoning! Again Reasoning will work only if he stands beside to listen.
Well go on to read my first day!!

To Punch or Not To Punch!

Now dont we all face that problem in life whether to give back in words or action to something which we did not approve off or like. Do have to be poilitically correct or to not to be? To be Gandhi or To Not to Be!. This can be a tough question. Right?. At least we have mixed opinions in our household.

From a childs perspective

Sid: " That boy hit me in class ". - crying
Father: " Sid, next time someone hits you, hit back"
Sid: " ok papa"
Me: "What, dont hit anyone sid, tell them not to hit, talk to them and talk with a firm loud voice. if they dont listen, complain to your teacher. If teacher is not around, hit them back". Damn did it just tell him which did not make sense?

Boy in the Bus: "Aunty Sid punched me on the chest"
Me: " I looked on, wanted to tell him to punch him back and did in a almost whisper" - did not want to create a war in the bus atleast.
Me to Sid later: " Sid, dont hit anyone in the chest" . Well atleast did not tell him not to hit. As I finally realised that he needed to defend himself as he grows up.

Every Action has an Equal and Oppsite Reaction, holds true for immature relationships. But with "Rational Human Beings" being the new phrase of the century, I am not queit sure whether that law truly makes sense.
But a child just does what directions he has been given and also uses his insticts and makes his own decisions on the actions he wants to take. Its normal. This is irrespective of the principle of life we have taught him. Or are we really teaching them?

Rationality comes with experience and vice versa. Now bring in another turn of the century word " Emotional Intelligence". You have to empathize and undertand the emotional nature of a general person even before you can know him. Now thats some task for a person who has no clue what emotions are. And after knowing the emotionals, take actions accoridingly.

And there are many who care a damn and move on and do what is now the in thing " Politically Correct"

How did I bring out there phylosphies here? "Rationality", "Emotional Intelligence" and "Political Correctness". All this for a punch or not to punch?

Micheal Jackson - This for you!!

Its been many years since I have listened to you. But today, you have woken me up. With my computer speakers crashed and all my audio cassettes rusted with no player to play them, I have turned on Vh1 as my savior to watch your tribute!

I grew up listening to MJ and his songs. My dad, my brother and me were great fans. We never missed out a single album of his. His songs ringed our ears car in can car out, as that was the only system we had " The car Speaker System". Yes you must be laughing, people invest in expensive home theatre system for their homes, with souround sound etc. We had none of that, just a plain cassette player for the house "I think".

The car, had a system which no one could fathom. It had to be the best for my dad. Name an accessory it had it. And we all enjoyed it. Spoilt kids we were by our dad, that now we look no further than the best, be it the car, be it food, be it anything, right bro?

My dad had his life in his car, travelling around southern India for his business. Now, that music is what made his life while he drove with no radio those days, it was MJ, you rocked in our ears all the time.

I am reliving those days as a child and growing up years, all those fantastic albums, the dances, the music, the videos. Incomparable till date!! You were the best.

Do you have any memories of MJ from childhood?

Look to the West for Food!

Or may I say east for food, or south or north. Now, that's going to be relative for each region. The region I am looking from is India. India is looking to the west.

The Gen Y and the newer Gen is looking no further. West is where they worship, they compete for and pray!. Hold on.

Brewing just one topic at a time, I would like to take time in making some very important observations. While I was living in the west, The USA, I was noticing that schools, the system, the government was becoming more and more aware of the the junk food consumed among very young toddlers, high school kids and the like. Schools in most communities, good and bad was trying to reduce the obesity levels of the children, by eliminating, the junk like -the fried foods, coca cola, the burgers and the like. In the recent past, the government has also take an active part in playing a role to make sure, such junk food, in the formative years of children are avoided. Now that's what we call as people who have learned a hard lesson from the experience and the incidences.

Yes those lessons were learned really hard. Now the system, the government, parents, children, schools are working hard to make it a better system to make better healthy people. Now that country is extreme.

This topic on junk food has begun brewing freshly in India now. More so in growing children as young as 6 months. I would love to mention with great shame, that the population I am living with has taken this system of junk food culture to the next step. Don't we always like to supersede in what we do and over achieve. These some of the very close first hand observations.

1. Baby aged 6 months at a birthday party. The mother goes...
"Oh my son loves ice creams. It has milk, it has some sugar and eggs, surely he gets some protein."

2. Another 1 yr old gulping down a cake - mother goes
"Ah, my girls dinner is now over" - say whaaaa??? are you ok dear mother?

2. Child does not drink milk - the mother goes
"I give dairy milk chocolates - its so much full of milk." Darn...what is going on here, I yelled at her. Thats caffiene, un wanted calories , and a whole lot of sugar. Looks like my next article is going to be on how sugar harms health.

3. Cakes galore - mother goes
" My child eats only on birthday parties." - that's burgurs, fries, coke, cake and the like. Wake up parents.

3. Child insists on taking chips as snack -mother goes
"My son is very particular about what he takes to school. and thats chips"

4. Coca Cola - mother dotes at a party
" I need some cola for my son" - Mother that is caffeine - carsenogenic. does it srtike you. Those are unhealthy calories. Its not good for your child. Please wake up!!!

4. and more and more on the similar lines

5. Every time MY children dont out and they never do - the advices I get from parents are
"You have to train him, he needs to learn to eat everything". My reply back to them these days is " It does not matter - I beleive in giving my children a healthy diet - so they grow up to leaders of tommorrow".

OK, now what I am beginning to understand is, the Gen X parents are lazy, getting hipper and better than the west, to do better than the west, and to beat them. Educated parents "are you not aware that the west is learning from its mistakes and making a change."

Why? Why? Why?. Please ask yourself " Why" I am making such an important point.

Healthy dicipline - Take the time to make your child aware that junk food is not healthy and does not make you strong. Make a change yourself "Parent" only then the child can learn from you.

It is ok to refuse junk food. Introduce it, but show its limits. Now that birthday parties happen every other month and eating out happens way too often as most parents are working or not working and dont like to cook, the junk food does not limit. It just adds up.

I think Parents are living in a denial "that they are only offering junk food once in a while." I would think its otherwise. I am sure most of you parents reading this will go on a denial. Well Indians are always on a self defence and denial. Make this change for the futures of tomorrow, by incultating healthy eating habbits early on. Let us not immitate the west blindly.

Think, rethink and evolve. Let us set limits and boundaries in our eating habbits, so the same gets passed on to the children to make leaders of the future.

Start now to make this change!