The Year 2012 - My Daily Routine

Starting this year, ah yes its the year end; I thought it would be good to reflect back on what life has given me, the kind of parent I have been and would like to be, the changes and challenges I have faced and could have handled better and so on and so forth.

My regular day:
Alarm rings at 5:20 AM. The first thing I do is to snooz for 10 minutes. Rings again and I push myself to wake up and turn on all the geysers of the house. While I dress myself up for the morning I am thinking the plan of action for the breakfast, lunch and all the boxes for the 3 boys in the house.

5:40 AM, I am in the kitchen, opening the fridge, taking my vegetables, etc to be cooked. There I am churning up dishes to be filled in to the lunch box, warming a glass of warm water for me to drink, reminding myself to do deep ujjaiyi pranayam, so it will give me more energy and calmness to deal with the morning school rush...

With the 4 burners with dishes all getting cooked, I heat more warm water for the kids as it is 6:15 AM and I need to wake them up. Rush to their room, yet calmly, call out in whispering voice.. wake up, its morning time, school time; turn on their lights and draw their curtains out.

They jiggle and say mummy "60 more seconds". In my mind, ok and rush to the kitchen to get their breakfast on to the table, pack their boxes and rush back to their room in 120 seconds.

They wake up knowing each day I give them more time than they ask for. Send them to do their morning duties while I get back to the kitchen to do the finishing touches to their school boxes.

Did you ask me how many boxes I pack?
1. Morning Breakfast Break Box
2. Lunch Box
3. Evening Return from School Bus Snack Box

And that's for two boys (my children), my third boy (dear husband), his box is half ready. It will get packed completely just before he leaves for work.

Once done, I get to their rooms again as they are ready after bath to help with uniforms and then we all finally sit on the table to eat breakfast. It is 7:00 AM and time for breakfast. I like to chat with them and watch their sweet calm faced munching the breakfast away.

They have learnt to eat really quickly this year and understand the importance of eating their breakfast. I know now they will never ever skip this meal in their lifetime.

Training 1:No matter what time we wake up, a glass of warm water, toilet and bath.
Training 2: Breakfast is important and cannot to skipped

Mornings are never a rush for my children, I gave myself enough time to finish my work and help them with theirs as well. I feel really happy when I send my children calm and happy to school. I feel I have achieved.

7:13 AM, we are out of home to the bus stop to wait for the bus that comes in at 7:20 AM. We relax a bit in the bus stop watching other kids. They meet their friends with a smile and begin playing hand cricket.

I board them in the bus, and really make an effort for them to take a look at me to say BYE :).
My mind is running, I have to finish my runs/ walks and yoga and get the breakfast and hubby's boxes ready. So i time and pushing myself to be on schedule.

Oh yea, I love this schedule of mine, because, all of us are calm and things get on time as per everyone's wishes and schedules and I get to fit in my fitness regime in as well. I cant do without yoga. Sometimes my time is so limited that I have to decide either run/walk or yoga. If yoga then I fit in 2 asanas and pranayam.

But no matter what I try to put in one asana - the most rejuvenating  Sirsanana and Nadi sodhi pranayam.

My morning rush is done, have got my exercise and I am back in the kitchen, getting tea, breakfast and lunch ready for husband and me. Set the breakfast up at table and this is the time I love the most. The breakfast time. Sit relaxed with all work done, a cup of coffee and both of us with our news papers or news on ipad, chat about news, work and pending work, plan for day...

My day begins, with my computer, checking mails, replying to recipe comments, social networking, writing  recipes, making videos, taking photographs, video editing and more.. I seem to have very less time all the time, I do a working lunch as I need to prepare dinner, evening, milk shake, evening snack all before kids get back from school at 3:45 PM.

At 3:45 I shutdown my computer and I am done for the day until 9:00 PM at night. When they are around, I try my best to keep myself away from my smart phone, gadjets etc.

Tennis, studies, play ground time/rest, reading, dinner, piano, guitar practice get done during the course of the weekday after school schedules. Some get skipped, some get done, but no pressures.

In my mind, my children need an extra break, how best can I let them have it. Rambling thoughts, do this today, then that tomorrow and that no day and let go.

By 9:00 PM they are dead tired and drop dead handsomes into their beds. With our daily prayers, kiss them good night and back into my computer again replying to pending mails and doing what I am doing just now.

Turn off in about half hour and catch some TV to shut off my mind. Relax and back to routine in the morning again.

So that's my daily routine.

Have you thought about "Goals"

A few minutes before writing this I lay my head on the table that I have mentioned to a dozen odd people to expect my next post after my year of slavery into nothingness. A dozen thoughts, a couple of dozen wishes, with a zillion work at hand.

I do have a story here and that is about "Goal". Ponder on this and tell me what does a "Goal" mean to you.

I have not spoken to many parents to get a feedback on what they think about "Goal", but I do know a handful of parents think children cannot understand goals. But I think otherwise, children do understand "Goals".

What I think are Goals
Goals are something which is not necessarily time bound that needs to get done in a particular period of time. You play a goal and you play it tactfully such that you are able to achieve what you want. I did say "able" and not "must". Goals are not the be-all and end-all that you take a situation to to the extreme and be so anal about proving to yourself or others that you have achieved it or did not and accept defeat. Goal is not victory. Goal is not your life. Goal is not going to live your life. You don't live your life for the goal. So in short don't be anal about goals. Don't be scared about goals.

Don't be scared of goals. Goals are important and add meaning to life. Most of us have set goals and feels hey we have not followed it or achieved it so why make it. I believe that we have all achieved our goals in the smalls ways we can unconsciously and although may be not completely. And once we unconsciously see the results we revised our goals yet again. With each passing time, measure your consistency, the pace you are following and the methods you use to to get there. And again I don't believe there is a "a place or a goal post in life" as philosophically thinking if we feel we have got there and done this and done that and achieved what we wanted in life then we have got "Keval Gyan".

In short goals leads us to the path of thinking, the path of questioning knowledge, the path towards learning, the path towards achieving and yet again learning and so on and so forth until.....???? I better stop here before I get reminded of the karma and philosophy :)


In short: Set Goals to travel into a path of knowledge and please lets not combine it with success as it is relative.

START YOUNG
Life is full of goals and this I believe can start at a young age - as young as second graders; unlike many of us who start when we need to meet the quarterly results at our company!

Teach your children to achieve - set a path for them to travel. Why not! This gives them the confidence to think and dream - To dream is so important.

This topic once again comes to a point where parents question their children's capabilities on why they did not score good marks at exams even when they knew everything. A parent tells me -"My child lacks focus - he forgets, he needs to focus and focus, he has no choice and he has to learn it". Does focus happen by just telling your child "Focus, you dont focus at all and thats why you lost marks even when you knew"

I believe all children and including adults loose focus. We dream and day dream and continue to do. Times when we lax and say "hey, its going to be just kichadi tonight for dinner - I cant focus and I have no energy"

The same applies to children. We as adults can retrospect and remind ourselves to focus and get back into the track of our goals. But children, they are short of time as they are children who love to karate kick , jump, dance and sing. Their life is a sing along.

So to help your child traverse a path of wisdom as he gets into the real world, allow him to set his own targets based on previous performances and help him plan this path towards a goal. Allow him to follow at his own pace with gentle reminders every time. As a parent, avoid setting targets for him and avoid expecting that he meets his target every time he sets it. Your job as a parent is not to slother but to guide.

Remind and guide and be gentle and kind.

I understand it is easier said than done, but who said life was easy and who said parenting was easier? Well you can make it a little lighter if you step back, give you child his space to explore. His space and time to meet his targets. He is not a rocket scientist that travels at the speed of light :)

So hang in there parents, I am in the same boat as you, trekking a path of patience to help teach my children about goals and guide them. I try to step back as they traverse slow and also be calm when they reach a goal and give them a small note of appreciation that they are doing well. I think this process will help them face life with positiveness and ability to accept failures and down trends in a positive calm and stress free way. If we as parents stress on a tiny thing like marks then we are teaching them just that. So....I let you think now.

Reflections and Perspectives

Yesterday I met up with close friends from hostel days and we had a good time chatting about our times, our lives etc.

Both are working and one is a working parent with support from her mother who lives with her and the other is with no children. But nevertheless, I was the only one who was not into work (supposedly quit because of kids).

They spoke about how they were managing work and home and getting enough time with their husbands and making sure its quality time spent, like even going for walks would be quality time. They would in between keep reinforcing facts that Arch " you are doing something which is the most toughest, not working and taking care of children". Now excuse me, it was a nice gesture to empathize and make a person feel good. I would just quietly listen and nod.

Now those were perspectives of someone else, of what I am doing and that I am a super mom, who takes care of home, cooks, kids etc and still does my "Archana's Kitchen". Again in their perspective I am super because I find time for all this despite being a mother.

But really, I was one among them about 10 years back, a very focused women who wanted to have one of those successfully careers and my dream was to work in wall street. What ever that

dream was, now I am ORR in a 1800 sq ft home, on home call.

As I drove to the dinner, there was something in me which felt odd, I had nothing to share with them apart from the school experiences. And I am not one of those women who does a lot of self prophecies as well, as personally I did not have anything to talk about. Growing up in a career, talking about work life, culture, all seemed to a distant past.

No regrets about any of it, but just the memories that so many aspirations and desires to become and achieve something in life we all shared in the college days we seeming gray. I was happy for them, they got educated well and now they are managing their career in the light they wanted to.

Now a mother of two boys, who think the be all and end all of me - that scares me. A husband who's first love is his smart device thinks and talk to it and manages everything in his life with it, so much so thats my interactive device with him. Me, who thinks now writing recipes and clicking photographs makes my life simple and feel that at least I am using some part of my brain, even if it has not elevated me to levels of the career I had dreamed of.

Having seen perspectives and having reflected of what I wanted, now really what I want is nothing. I cant believe I am so cozy in my shell, which is my home, my kids, my DH, and my computer. It scares me to think that motherhood and home-hood can take life to such glaring changes. Contentment and satisfaction just drives me to do what I am doing today, unbelievable!!! But at the same time scares me.

Today, I have my in laws living with me and my life has still not changed, I continue in my shell and write such crazy posts. There are friends from all over who would say, oh dear, who must be so busy etc, you need to keep full time help, you need to do this and that and you need a break , get out etc. But not once have they ever asked me are you busy and tired, how is it going? Assuming I am over loaded with my parents in law at home, get a stream of advices. And btw, my life is not changed one bit...I am still in my shell, doing what I have to do.

Amazing, what am I doing....where is my life going to go ....what is it that I am going to do... become.... none of these haunt me any more but scares me. I have in short become plain boring or can there be a better word?

Innvovation, Defaults,Failure,Accomplishment?

Again boils down to a SaHm talk. I have two boys again now they are growing and happen to be almost 3.5yrs and almost 5yrs.
Phew, I know well, how much time I give them, well, not trying to over achieve as a parent, but as a person who loves what I am doing. I love cooking, so the two boys though behind my back with me demanding a knife and chopping board, or a rolling pin and some dough, wanting to stir their own sugar in the milk, wanting to lay the table for meal times,as all this by themselves. All this I dont impose on them, but they love to play with mummy's toys. Like her kitchen, her computer and also her clothes :). Well, call it hands on experience with mom or call it exclusive mom time as well.

Making them take part of my chores is not an easy task, a lot of times I have pushed them away and a lot more times, they are allowed to be helping me with my tasks. Mess, chaos, fights are all part of this whole process, but I am human and am learning to deal with it, learn as they grow!.

As a child I was into all what my mother did and ended up doing all that my mother said. Hmmm, ofcourse at a point I did a lot of things behind her back to get my stuff done and missed on a lot of extra learning due to socio-economic conditions of that time.

Thinking back on my childhood, I grew up well and I am now happy and satisfied, but those desires of that extra learning I wanted to do, still lingers on, but now does not permit me, as its my children's turn to learn that extra!

Do we need those extra's??

Identifying what a child is good at and what he likes is a hard task. School is good for academic and competitive exposure. But again, the sportive competitive exposure is hard to achieve with the marking and ranking system the children have to go through. 10/10 the child feels he is the best. When he gets 7/10 the child goes into misery. The child feels he is working hard, but, still gets 7/10. Ufffff, this topic bugs me, but we need to enable the child to go ahead an accept failure. This kind of failure is hard to learn from due to peer and teacher pressure. It takes time. As grades are grades they cannot be tweaked. Innovations are not seen and heard by the teachers or students. Innovators (mostly who are avg graders) have to encouraged by some other means like sports, music, art or any such activity to enable them to identify themselves.

Accepting failure and learning from failure are two important concepts. Identifying a talent and nurturing it is even more important. Emphasis on academics and more also emphasis on all extras and to be best in all - I am sure can lead to disaster. There has to be a balance, that balance, and interest can be achieved when pressure on the child is less and a parent is stress free. This is not easy, it has to be consciously worked on. Life is a process of learning, so its takes time and effort to train our minds not to put undue pressure on our children.

Sports - well, trains the child be a sportsman. He sees the results of his action and is made to carry on playing for his next point, and the next and next and so on and on. Again it is result oriented, but he is working with a team, he is using his mind, he is using his soul to innovate a new technique to win, but is trained not to feel like a loser. Again, this did not come naturally to him. He had lost many times, and was nurtured by his mentor or coach to accept defeat and work on his defaults. This does not surely happen overnight, playing tennis, soccer, or any other game, involves a physical activity, which uses energy and makes his mind and body active. A sport or any form of physical activity is important for a child's development. Identifying the right age and time for the child to get involved is also important. Remembering that, pressuring the child to perform can deter the performance and increase the stress level for the child and the parent. So the child has to learn to have fun initially, as they grow nurture them to succeed and don't push them to be the best! Nurture the child with positive energies rather than stressful energies. He will learn to accept failure with ease.

The same applies to education as well - positively we have to teach our children to accept defeat, but work on the defaults to "not get the same "abc which he got wrong" right, but by allowing him to choose a way to make things right on his own. This comes by practice and time spent by the parents themselves, by being a stress free parent and not emphasizing the child to be the "best" but to "succeed". There is a difference in the two words there. Yes?

Back to extra's:There are many such extra activities like music, art, craft, which mold the mental ability to innovate. Innovation brings accomplishment. Failure/Accident leads to innovation. Failure without punishment and stress, can lead to innovation. Again, time spent by the mentor or the parent on nurturing is the key.

There is a difference in just following the keys to learn to play music and there is a difference in learning the notes to play music. (Sorry about terms used if ambiguous). Learning notes, is like learning abc, then you innovate new words like my children do and they think it has to be in the dictionary, I don't disagree with them, I tell them you have innovated. It could be gibberish to you, but oh well, gibberish according to them has got into the English dictionary. Well said huh?

Uff, there is something about different art classes. The teachers will teach you the stick method of drawing things and making new shapes. Why do they do that? To get and show results. To whom? The parents. Yes, parents wants to see results when the child is sent to art class. Damn!!!!!! I hate them and those teachers (pardon me for being so articulate) who teach that way and cant defend to parents that art does not bring results, it is innovation. Why do you think modern art forms were innovated? For wishful sales? Gives me a break?

Art has be from the mind and that which has touched the soul. To teach, it was to be story oriented, the child should be able to make a story and put it down on paper, that's what I call a art class. There you go, this teacher who has made the child say a story and put it down on paper in his own art, has made another innovator and the child feels accomplished!!

So failure happens, if you don't see ways to innovate. It is OK fail, but how else will you learn new ways to achieve, why do we have to follow a one threaded path when the string can be broken into multiple segments??? Think my dear friends? The human has the most advanced brain functions, so why not help our children understand that?

Keeping these terminologies in mind, like innovation, defaults, failure and accomplishment. All these things again don't mean, we push our children into being the best in tennis, best in academia, best in soccer, best in craft, best in art, best in music, best in singing, best in dance.
We all do like to shine and do shine when our time comes, but right now, our children need to nurtured and be themselves and learn. Expose them into activities of their interest and age. Children need to enjoy and not parents!

1. Parents need to identify their children's talent and initiate an activity for the children to learn and enjoy.

2.Parents have to nurture their children to succeed not be the best.

3. Parents have to give time not send away their children for activities to get time.

4. Parents need to be stress free.

5. Parents have to nurture themselves.

Parents you will feel achieved if you have seen yourself as an accomplished parent and this happens when you see your children growing stress free and achieved.

Rise and Shine Child,Rise Rise and only Rise!

We have interesting conversations in our coffee meets and at the end of it, I always bring back happy feelings and of course thoughts to ponder.

Why do we send our children to school? I know for sure and you know as well. Being highly educated and a Harvard drop out(Sigh! - long story), I do believe I go into school for knowledge, social interaction, and some fun time in learning. Yes, learning has to be fun.

To make it clear, I am talking about pre-primary, primary, middle and high school. Going to school has always been about studies, more studies and more studies and more competition and more competition. Well, thats how I spent my childhood days. But what did I learn at the end of school. All I rememered was I did memorize and mugged (studying without passion). That's my childhood, but of course as I grew up, studying things further of not my interest, I did do well etc.

But ask me about history, about my physics, about my chemistry, about my math. I would blink. Huh, i dont know,all I know is I remember studying that. Ya, ya, over time, doing a masters, dropping out of it, working, all fell in place, because I made a secondary effort to relearn many things with conceptualization. I was mature. But learning could have been fun! I realized this when I went to Harvard.

Now I feel, after pondering again, on school systems I am more mature, to understand, to give enough time to my child, to teach 1 or 2 or many more than what he does in school. I am not afraid to let my child go against, I am not afraid to teach my child something which is different. 1+2 = 3 always, but there is more that in life. Correct, I think you get my point, addition always gives you more.

Again, there is another phase which gets always passed on to me, too much knowledge is a dangerous thing. Well, I think it at the end of your life, it gives you immense fulfillment to know you experiment, innovative and learn.

Back to bras-trax. Does dictation tests tell you how bright you are. Yes of course, it tell you the knowledge you have. (what rubbish!!!) Child you HAVE to show the knowledge you have. If you know it, answer it. Day 1: 10/10, DAy2: 10/10, Day 3: 8/10, Day 4: 7/10, Day 5: 10/10, Day6: 10/10. Child, you knew the answer " WHY DID YPU NOT WRITE IT" THAT'S NOT DONE". (what rubbish).

You see patterns in scoring change. Let me tell you an analysis. My son is probably crazy about numbers and he loves reading, can read huge words with much ease. But really, that is his skill, he learned the "techniques" from school and home. Fantastic. But he scores 10/10 some days, he scores 7/10 some days, he scores, 9/10 some days and even 6/10 some days. But he knows his stuff? Yes he does, read further.

So those marks really matter to knowledge? Marks matter yes as you grow, helps you analyse yourself and focus on weaker and get to admission and fame and name. All that is fine, but he is a day dreamer. When asked, how come you forgot and missed a word. He tells me " Mummy, i was thinking". By the way, I believe he started to day dream on the depth of the word. The word was "come", which he missed, but he said, he was trying to make sentences on that word and was telling me all those little details of his little dream. So much fun, right?

Now hold on, he was thinking something, he was dreaming of making sentences. Such a beautiful phenomenon, isn't it. I am convinced children are the innovators or tomorrow!

Now, he is a child and all children are, really :). They dream, they think, they conquer their own minds. I stopped then, to not say further. Sid, you shine!. You knew the word, but was dreaming about it :). And we laughed. But I guess he knew about the 7/10. I did not tell him 10/10 is the best. Why? Because he was fine, happy and he was dreaming and conquered something more. I call this giving my children incentive to grow on their own. I was also happy to hear one of the teachers telling a parent, we are not worried about the marks the children get, as long as they are learning.

Yes I do see some change in the Indian education system, but the system has to grow more, parents, teachers, children all have to work together to enhance and nurture the child to innovate, think, motivate themselves, not forced motivation (Which means more stress on all and more on the child, which reduced the absorption capacity). I hope as my children grow older, and get more time I can be one among many to bring positive changes to the education and knowledge base.

A Successful Week of Screamfree Parenting

Yes I had a successful week and hope to continue it to the weeks to come. I feel relaxed and happy. I truly do, making an open diary of my thoughts makes me feel proud of myself.

Motherhood does not get any appreciation from any one, not even the DH or friends. DH does care the least, as long the house is running right and all is well. Friends have different views and envys, but such is life.

But today, i had a very dear conversation with my MIL, she was so proud of me with the progress I am making. She said, you are gifted to help analyze yourself and make a change in your life for the better. Many, many live in self denial and dont want to accept the mistakes openly. I was happy and pleased.

I am a very open and frank person who has open thoughts and give my children their space and time and get my time as well. I have a perfect routine, without which I cannot live without, but to some routines are not their best friend. I am sure you are one of them and many are. I have been living with routines since a child, not because my mom told me, but it was me, it was my dad. Yes, my dad, who used to travel all the time, the fond memories I shared with him. He had a routine, he loved it, punctuality and perfection in his field. And I am a copy of him.

So why the anger, well, I have two children of almost the same age, who have an immense competition with each other. The younger was ignored for the longest time and he was traumatized by me for the longest time. Well until I realized my screaming was not helping me and my children.

A week later of practicing self control, I see P getting closer to me, I see him beginning to understand my reasoning. My screaming had become a habit for his childish behavior, caused due to sibling rivalry/love/competition. Many termed it as terrible twos, but I know what they are, I have been through those with my first. This was not terrible twos, it was sibling rivalry/love/competition. Yes I got Sid involved. Started positive reinforcement and reasoning to P 's good behavior. Sid always got that from both his parents, he always required more attention, but P lacked it and was craving for it. It took me thing long to understand the child's mind. So now I address P's bad behavior screaming, I just mention his bad behavior and reason with him. And leave it, I don't question him, I don't say "WHY DID YOU DO IT" to him. Yes no "WHY". Realized they are too young, they are children, I need to make them understand through explanation and reasoning. I am forcing myself self not to repeat my reasoning and torment him and it lessen my anger. And he was happy and so was I.

All these things are simple right. All you guys have been doing it or are doing it. But No me I guess. A fact I am accepting. Basic things every parent does? But I guess i faltered with my younger son. The younger got ignored because the older got more attention. A nice way of talking without screaming was easy with my first child and it still is, not that he is easy, but he has been always spoken to and the younger is always shouted at. Now that was wrong on my part.

Also realizing that P never liked to see Sid with his friends. So its another thing I want to work on hence forth, make a set of friends for P different from Sids. He loves his brother so much, but cant see him with someone else.

Sibling love and rivalry has to be dealt with at its growth and I am feeling proud of myself to have caught it at the nick of time. Helping Sid and P work together and giving P positive reinforcement to undo all the nasty things I have said and done to him. I have seen this sibling rivalry among many cousins of the same sex and age. My DH will agree on this?

As much as I feel I am relieved with the progress I am making with myself to be a Scream-free parent, I do see that many judge me as a over doing parent. Well as one person rightly put it, each child each parent is different. Each parent has a different philosophy or parenting and how to bring up their child. And having more than one child is different.

I thank my friend Jandy for giving me huge inspirations to start writing.
I thank my mom and my mother in law for helping me and giving me good encouragement to change myself and progress through my behavior positively.

And thank my children for putting up with me for so long. Kids I am human, hope you read these when you grow.